Crazy In Love
It was love at first sight. I was head over heels and admittedly, a bit obsessive. Sometimes the obsessiveness got out of hand. I would try to calm myself but when you’re enamored, you’re irrational. Frankly, you’re crazy. Crazy in love.
In the beginning I was unsure of myself. It was all very new and I didn’t know how to handle the feverish excitement. It was all I thought about. I’m sure I was a bore. Who cares? I wanted to make it work so I put everything into it. Did I make mistakes? Of course I did.
And then one day…phfft! I wanted OUT! I tried to convince myself there was potential and yet, the problems were mounting.
I’m talking about email, of course.
I Hate Email.
I hate what it does to relationships. I’m frustrated by what it does to my productivity. I’m disgusted by my addiction. I’m appalled that I let things get balled up and rather than pick up a phone, I write another email.
I hate when people do not acknowledge the missive. I loathe waiting for time sensitive information. I do not wish to be sent a text about a late minute change in an appointment (and yes, Chris, I’m talking about you.) I wish someone would spank me when I’ve ignored an invitation. Mon dieu! I’ve developed some awful habits.
I hate emails that convey “please get well” wishes. (Tell me because I need to know: When you are hanging over the toilet with a stomach virus, do you check your email in-between cramps?) I hate emails that are cold and arch or smarmy and obsequious. I cannot handle an email with the response “sure.” (Sure as in yippee or sure as in fine, okay, whatever?) Whatever.
Oh the fun I used to have. The best email partners were like tennis pros — we slammed those emails over the net. We didn’t need 
s because we knew irony when we saw it. I’d see my competitor’s name in my in-box and open the message immediately. Metaphorically, it was akin to peering through the peep hole and seeing the person you love standing there.
Then a month ago everything went to pot. A day of frustrating emails going back and forth with no resolution. What a stupid waste of time. It was over. All those “URGENT” subject lines were ignored. (They were never that urgent anyway). And the re: re: re: emails are thankfully done-zo.
You need to reach me? Be creative. Send a homing pigeon. Now that would be fabulous.